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| | A poem. |  |
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altria
Captain Level
Age : 36
 Posts : 1269
Location : On top of Ulquiorra,so go away...and stop grinning,we're just having a nap under a tree.
Join date : 2010-01-25
| | Subject: A poem. Sat Jan 30, 2010 5:13 pm | |
| This a poem I wrote for ___ guess what series back in may last year.This is the first time I'm showing it to anyone so please tell me what you guys think and if there's a way to make it better,I know it still needs some work.
Warning:There's implied love scene here.I did two versions lighter and more mature.I'll put the mature one in because they are same but m one has more verses.So,you've been warned.- Spoiler:
Insanity/Madness/Devour me. (I couldn't pick a name XD )
The burning madness in your eyes,
Intensifies when they turn red.
Love and care become obsession,
Plunging you deep into despair,
Upon my refusals.
Tearing of flesh,crunching of bones,
Red spilling everywhere.
It's fine,since it is my blood,
The beast inside you howl's for.
Just drinking it should be enough,
To satisfy its hunger.
I wish you'd understand,
I have no reason,to linger here anymore.
My role in this world is finally played out,
Revenge,the final act,has been fulfilled.
Ties that bind,memories;
The shackling bonds of friendship.
I cut them off so long ago,
In exchange for power.
My stubborn denial,
Of your insistence,
I know it drives you mad.
Old habits die hard.
The snakes mark upon my shoulder,
Tearing it off.
And the mirror-wheel eyes of my heritage,
Taking it all away.
In that moment,
Would I become your only?
Screaming,crying;
Holding on to me tightly,
To the brink of madness.
More and more,
Shouting my name.
In the comfort of your hands,
Feeling the warmth of your body.
The words I could not say before,
Are finally freed...
Because the truth is,deep in my heart,
I think it wouldn't be bad,
If you were to devour me,
And I passed from this world.
~So what do you guys think?If it needs to be moves please do so.^^ I takes place after he gets his revenge but before finding out the whole truth.I was inspired by a doujin and the words just poured out.^^ | |
| | | | benelori
Captain Level
Age : 35
 Posts : 1055
Location : somewhere....over the rainbow...
Join date : 2010-01-24
| | Subject: Re: A poem. Mon Feb 01, 2010 2:41 pm | |
| Nice stuff...I really like the word choice, it sends a powerful message...the twist at the end is beautiful...I could suggest I title or two if U want: ConFusion, or Red Insanity, Escaping..., Consumed...whatever...these are the one that popped into my mind right after I read it...
I see that there's no particular style:rhymes, rythm, number of verses...I like more organized poems, but at least on emotions level it does a great job... | |
| | | | altria
Captain Level
Age : 36
Posts : 1269
Location : On top of Ulquiorra,so go away...and stop grinning,we're just having a nap under a tree.
Join date : 2010-01-25
| | Subject: Re: A poem. Tue Feb 02, 2010 1:56 am | |
| ~Thank you.^^ Red Insanity..I like how that sounds..would be a good fit.I usually write more organized poems with about four verses,actually people always tell me I should loosen up a bit and do it free style,but that's not my way.This poem simply jumped out in one breath at night,my best writing time, when I thought about the darker aspects of bounds and ties we make after reading that doujin.For some reason my stuff is always dark,can't seem to write anything cheery. >.> But I'm glad that the feelings I wanted to convey show.^^ | |
| | | | benelori
Captain Level
Age : 35
Posts : 1055
Location : somewhere....over the rainbow...
Join date : 2010-01-24
| | Subject: Re: A poem. Tue Feb 02, 2010 2:03 am | |
| I don't know if U write regularly, and for how long do U do this...but darkness and powerful feelings are signs of a poet in his/her baby shoes...they want to ensure that they have powerful and undeniable feelings they can express(like a safety measure of some sort)...subtility, or combining cheer with darkness, comes later on...I had several friends who wrote poems and they published their work...we discussed their stuff many times, and it was the same for them as well...cheerful poems were like white crows
To loosen up is a good idea, but the loosing should express chaos, or certain feelings that can be related to the structure itself...
My favourtie poems are the ones which have various structure changes, but which can be tracked and as the context, the feelings expressed by the verses change, I can relate these feelings to the structure and the possible reason of the author to use that structure...
U should write more...UR poems are welcome...I will read every single one of them... | |
| | | | altria
Captain Level
Age : 36
Posts : 1269
Location : On top of Ulquiorra,so go away...and stop grinning,we're just having a nap under a tree.
Join date : 2010-01-25
| | Subject: Re: A poem. Tue Feb 02, 2010 2:33 am | |
| Thank you for the advice.^^ I have been writing for a while now..let's see..about seven years. But looking back most of the older things are horrible..I took a short fiction writing class last year and it helped quite a bit..I didn't even notice all the mistakes we tend to do when writing..like telling instead of showing..and so on..I'm rewriting the stories now..although that's my main problem..rewriting everything each time...poetry I don't really write regularly...just whenever the inspiration strikes or I have to get something of my chest...that's another reason they are dark..I use them as a way to deal with things...I think more practice is needed before I can do free style poems comfortably...that's what I try to work on.And thank you for saying that,I'll put on another one later.^^ | |
| | | | benelori
Captain Level
Age : 35
Posts : 1055
Location : somewhere....over the rainbow...
Join date : 2010-01-24
| | Subject: Re: A poem. Tue Feb 02, 2010 3:13 am | |
| Sure thing...the epic genre is really different and in seven years U get to know how to edit them...but poetry is different, the baby shoes which I mentioned were directed towards the poems, not writing in general...maybe U should write more poems and as time passes maybe some of the style could be used in UR short stories...
I've read many work which incorporate the two genres in a great manner...short stories with lyric touches, and poems with elements of story telling(these are the greatest) | |
| | | | altria
Captain Level
Age : 36
Posts : 1269
Location : On top of Ulquiorra,so go away...and stop grinning,we're just having a nap under a tree.
Join date : 2010-01-25
| | Subject: Re: A poem. Wed Feb 03, 2010 1:17 am | |
| I'll try to write more poetry..there's this challenge thing I just came across where every other day a word is posted and you write a poem using either the word or the concept...I'll be trying it out...I've read works like that too,they are usually really good.^^ | |
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